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Humorous

Panic Hoarding

A friend of mine calls the folks arbitrarily buying up every random thing in the store (e.g. TP and bottled water) “panic hoarders.” Honestly, that is an excellent name for them. I mean, I understand the people frantically buying Purell by the gallon (why, oh why didn’t I buy stock in Purell???), but bottled water? Did Covid-19 get into the plumbing? I guess I will invest in a LifeStraw. That way I can drink from the creek in my backyard. And I’ll use the leaves for TP.

I went shopping yesterday. I had the gall to cough. I coughed softly and into my elbow, but the boomer sharing the aisle with me glared. The store was full of boomers panic hoarding. Now I have something to call their behavior.

I slipped into the panic-hoarding frenzy myself. I noticed that birthday cake Oreos were on closeout, so I grabbed every package they had left (two). We even checked another store today, just to be sure we’d make it through the crisis.

It’s a grand time to be obsessive-compulsive. Three weeks ago, when you frantically rubbed the shopping cart with every wipe in the bin and followed up by squirting it with the Lysol you carry in your purse, people would talk. They’d roll their eyes at you.

Yesterday, I attempted to enter the grocery store by sneaking around the mob of shoppers at the entrance and they yelled at me.

“Hey! Where are you going? No cuts! Wait for your disinfecting wipes like everybody else!”

The nervousness around this virus confuses me. Another friend gave me a particularly cogent and clear explanation, including infection rates and mortality percentages. I’m glad I have smart friends!

So now I understand.

It’s because the Republicans fear that their base will catch coronavirus and die. But not to worry, Fox News has a cure. They tell their viewers it’s a hoax. And if it isn’t a hoax, well, at least our Vice President will be there to pray for them.